I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
