Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
