Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
