Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
