I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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