You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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