he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
