it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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