Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk is not a location!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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