Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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