take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
