remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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