I look better un-naked...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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