Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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