Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
