The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize