If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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