i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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