Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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