Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
