Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Boobs speak an international language.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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