Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
