Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
