His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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