Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is Oprah even human
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
