M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
