3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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