420 ftw
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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