why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
