i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
