I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
