So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
