wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
