Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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