Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
