he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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