Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
