strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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