ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
