cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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