Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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