Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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