If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
