Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Randomize
