I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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