At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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