I puked a lego.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize