This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
