apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
