just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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