I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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