Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
