wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
