I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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