so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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